I’ll Never Ask for Your Opinion of My Body

To assert that shouldn’t be a radical statement but it is. Fatphobia is ingrained in our society. It’s considered acceptable still to strip fat people of their dignity or deem them invisible. And as much as I try to surround myself with a positive support system and avoid clicking any link that mentions Donald Trump and the word “fat,†I can’t escape fatphobia on a daily basis.

Whether it’s having people yell demeaning things at me from their car windows while I am taking my blog photos in public or having men tell me off for rejecting them when they expect me to be more desperate because of my size, it is pretty damn exhausting to be a visibly fat woman. I am both the manifestation of people’s desires and the representation of their own fears and self-loathing. And I didn’t ask for any of it.

Most days, I am inundated with male attention I didn’t ask for. We live in a world where I am supposed to be grateful to be harassed on the street and sent dick pics by strangers because it’s seen as a validation of my worth that I receive male attention. I spend a lot of time and energy feeling unsafe from how comfortably men I don’t know express their attraction to me and the entitlement that they feel towards my body. Men get angry that I dare to post pictures of myself that they like and that I won’t answer their messages as if those two things have anything to do with each other.

Although this is my day-to-day reality, there’s another alternative to the oversexualization of my fat body: no one could ever be attracted to a fat person. When I’m confronted by this narrative, it’s never someone’s opinion, it’s always presented as fact. Most recently, it showed up as a comment on a story I wrote for Dose about the impact of #FatSideStories which illuminated fatphobia in dating. The comment reads:

“I understand the pain you carry for being judged on your appearance and you’re free to keep writing about how mean others are for not accepting your fatness, but … this won’t change a thing. Ever. The only thing you have control over is what you are and what you do with your life. Here’s a ‘tough love’ factoid: fat women will never be considered attractive to men any more than out-of-work homeless men would ever be attractive to women. And yes, it’s the same thing. Attraction is non-negotiable and each gender has its requirements. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you can begin your recovery.â€

I hate to give any comment more weight than it deserves but this one certainly highlighted the juxtaposition of the assumed lack of desirability for my fat body and the reality that I receive so much attention from men that I feel unsafe. And yet, neither one is an indication of my worth. So often the response to these kind of comments is something along the lines of ‘but I have a boyfriend/lover/husband.’ I understand that response and the need to prove this person wrong is completely valid. A part of me still goes there too, but we don’t need to prove our worth by showing our desirability in relation to others. Whether or not I receive male attention or have a partner doesn’t make him wrong; he’s wrong because I am a human being worthy of respect all on my own.

This commenter links the attraction of fat women to that of homeless men as if to say neither one is worthy of dignity and how dare we expect them to be? The implication is that women are nothing more than their appearance and men are nothing more than their ability to earn. The comment is fatphobic, sexist, classic, and heterocentric. It makes a lot of assumptions that are so far from my reality. It frames my fatness as a disease or sickness that I need to recover from. Once again, I am exhausted.

But there’s one part of that comment that I agree with: The only thing you have control over is what you are and what you do with your life. I am a fat person and what I chose to do with my life is continue to fight for my humanity as a fat person; not become less fat. I chose to prioritize my own health by working to assert clear boundaries and prioritize self-care. I am a person worthy of love, respect and dignity period not in spite of being fat.

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